Saturday, December 3, 2016

Be You, Love You and Give no F*cks

For years I have been two different people.  One the blogger side of me that is a nicer wholesome mom figure. But then there is the realistic foul mouthed, tell it like it is mom side of me.

But being two personas has been a challenge. One challenge is being my true self and the other being "happy homemaker/couponmama", This may have made me lose myself and my mind. While one side of me is loud, opinionated and cusses worse than a sailor. The blogger side of me is this sweet lady that is always helpful and says "$.99" a lot. (It's an inside joke, you would have to watch the videos)

I lost myself in all of the years blogging about coupons and savings. Then it became so frustrating and exhausting keeping up, that I exploded. Literally, I think I said Fuck about 30 times in less than a minute. Because that is the true me. The cussing me. The side that some people just don't want to know.  I held it in for the past 4 years. I just couldn't do it anymore. I finally gave up and started being me again.

See, I get friends request on Facebook daily. Usually I ignore most of them, only because I do not think people are ready to know the real side of me. If they really knew me, then they might go running for the hills. I don't even post or share half of the things I want to. I have to stay neutral in most situations of today's crazy world. Which has made for a permanent bite mark on my bottom lip. Believe me I have bit down and held my mouth closed a lot this past year.

But the bigger challenge came when I was in the store one day, frustrated at cleared shelves or someone doing something blatantly illegal in the coupon world, and one of my followers came up to me and happily introduced themselves.  "Well shit, now I have to behave everywhere I go." That was the first though that popped into my head. I knew I had just said Fuck out loud and hoped she didn't hear me. I mean, I am always happy to meet the people that I have helped. Don't get me wrong. I love meeting people. But again, will they like the real side of me. The cussing woman, who gives no Fucks.

Sometimes in my "Gives no Fucks" moments I might post something stupid on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Only to have one of my elders pop up and comment. Again, my first thought is "Damnit Tara what are you doing"  Then I remember this, they know you or maybe they don't really know you either. I mean I haven't really been around my family for years and I guess I am 41, so I get a say in how I want to be. But cussing doesn't make me a bad person either. I was raised right. My mom knows I use multiple versions of cuss words as nouns, adjectives and verbs and she has accepted the fact that her little girl is a stubborn shit and will be how she wants to be. Not how she thinks I should be.

I have even taught my kids, Be you. Love You, and Give no Fucks! Not that I am teaching my kids to be disrespectful. Oh no. They say "Yes Sir", "Yes Ma'am" and "Thank You". They have manners and can be the best damn kids I know. They can also be just as foul mouthed as their mother. Not around others, they know the difference of where and how to open that mouth. But they also know that they don't have to conform to what Society expects of them. It's okay to be you. As long as you are happy. So Give No Fucks as to what people tell you. Having tattoos doesn't make you a bad person, so get them if that is what you want, etc. Be You, Love You and Give No Fucks!

So I guess what I am really rambling on about is this. It's hard to be two people. It's hard mentally and spirtually to hold yourself back. I have learned this the hard way. I should have been me from the start. But I didn't think the world was ready. Now at 41 with a head half full of grey hair and no want to change who the Fuck I am, I will just be me and hope that the world can accept it.

Thanks to Shibby Katt for the picture. This totally made my fucking day! 

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